True Me

When I was younger, there were lots I found to complain about, lots to dwell on, lots of reasons to dislike myself, my life and my circumstances.  None of it kept me down as much as I did.  People may have said things to me and about me through the years, but none of it mattered; subconsciously I believed their lies, even though consciously I didn’t show it.

Their words became tethers binding my hands, my feet, and my brain.  After so many years passing in my life, the rope holding those words together more than any other became my own.  It stems from fear; a fear of failure and a fear of success.  It cripples me from my true self.  Life has a way of injuring you, then providing you with the crutches to help you walk again.

I’ve had many crutches in my life.  They were alcohol, tattoos, sex, cuts, fighting, speeding and general recklessness.  People saw it as me being free instead of the cries for help I was screaming on the inside.  I was drowning, still am drowning, still lost in the storm and unsure of direction.

I was blessed with many talents and gifts; too many I think sometimes, but I am grateful for them just the same.  Because of them I have a way to save myself in healthier ways.  If there is nothing you know about me, know that I’m a writer.  I always have been and more than anything else in my life, I always will be.  I had periods in my life where I’ve put down my pen and paper, but I always went back.

I think there were even times in my life when I ran from it, like most things I’m good at.  Now though, the calling is to strong in my life.  I remember the day I finally accepted who I am.  I had just got off a plane from Atlanta to New York and while walking through the terminal; I heard an inner voice that said, “I’m a writer.”
I am a writer.  I was finishing my first novel; part of a series I’m working on and extremely excited about.  At the time of my awakening, I was working as a flight attendant.  I lived in Atlanta and flew out of New York.  Not living in my purpose, it got harder and harder to get to work.  The final parting of ways came when I got sick and was banned from flying for three months by my doctors.

I had to give up the ghost and decided it was time to listen to my inner voice, “I’m a writer.”  With help from loved ones, I was able and am able to live, doing what I love to do.  I am very grateful for my journey and what I’ve become.  My life is making turns for the better; everyday trying to loose that tether till I’m free.  Free from me to be the True Me.